Why I'm grateful I burnt out

Last autumn, I experienced full-on, hit-the-wall burnout. It didn’t happen overnight, it was a slow build. Pressure crept in from every angle and I didn’t realise it at first - I just kept going, thinking I could (and should) juggle allllll of the things.

The weight of everything

I was navigating a stressful time at work, worrying about a mortgage hike, trying to keep up with house renovations on a rapidly diminishing budget (and with unforeseen issues like a major leak, a crumbling ceiling and a front door that wouldn’t open), helping plan my Grandma’s 100th birthday party (a joy, but a big one!), navigating a tricky neighbour situation, feeling grief at the state of the world, handling multiple chronic health conditions, undertaking a patternmaking course (so fun, but a huge financial and time commitment), and dealing with the emotional ache of missing the support network we’d left behind when we moved from Cardiff to Wiltshire.

I hadn’t yet found my people in our new community, and motherhood (and the mental load) was A LOT. The guilt of moving children from all their friends and Welsh language education to English school where they know nobody is no joke (although they handled it much better than I did). On top of it all, there was self-imposed pressure to “make the most” of the kids now both being in school, to show that I was doing something with the time. I couldn’t figure out what to do for extra work so in the meantime I applied to be on The Great British Sewing Bee and was thrilled to get through to the first interview stage, but then never heard back and it was a bit of a confidence hit after being so revved up by friends and family. (In hindsight, I can see I was in no fit state to have gone through that experience so am grateful for the rejection!)

Eventually, it all caught up with me. I walked into the GP’s office and had barely taken a seat before she’d diagnosed stress and anxiety. We also established I was edging into depression and dealing with trauma (with a small t) from working round the clock in media for a health care organisation during a global pandemic - with a school-aged child and a teething baby at home - while running on 10 months+ no sleep!

I was signed off work for two months, referred for cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), offered career counselling and prescribed medication. I was stunned as I genuinely thought I was making something of nothing; I shall always be grateful to that wonderful GP, Sarah!

The path to healing

After I was signed off, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt so fragile. It’s a bit of a blur, but I think I sat on the sofa for two solid weeks. Slowly, I started to find small ways to rebuild.

• Slowing down

  I started with gentle walks, noticing the changes from autumn to winter in the fields by the nearby canal. I borrowed my brother’s Labrador for walks and cuddles. I read a trashy novel a week and watched more than my fair share of terrible Christmas films on Netflix.

• Support

  As well as taking medication (#SertralineQueen), I did a 6 week CBT course, booked a session with a life coach and joined a Pilates class. I took a long break from social media and turned off phone notifications. I met friends for walks and talks. Oh - and we got a puppy! She’s become my therapy dog, for sure.

• Daily rituals

  Every morning when I woke, I took some time to focus on the strip of light between the curtains and practice some gratitudes. I walked barefoot on the grass to the end of the garden for cuddles with next doors’ donkeys. I lit candles and drank strong coffee. I gave myself permission to feel joy.

• Clearing space

  I decluttered our house - one drawer at a time - and cleaned our home from top to bottom (though you wouldn’t be able to tell now!) I caught up on some mundane DIY tasks from my snagging list. Reorganising my physical space helped me feel less chaotic mentally.

• Listening to my body

  I started tracking my cycle and working with it, resting when I needed to and diving in when energy came. (I highly recommend Period Power by Maisie Hill btw.)

A new venture

That slow, gentle unfolding has led me to something new: the beginnings of a small (micro!) business that I’ve been quietly dreaming of for a long while. It's built around my passion for making sustainable clothing - and a desire to help people quit fast fashion and learn to make their own clothes.

I’m starting this venture at my own pace. I’ve slowly been turning the summerhouse in our garden into a tiny (but very well equipped) sewing studio. I’m tentatively returning to my patternmaking course, learning to cut and grade my own sewing patterns, which is very satisfying. And I’ve just completed a wonderful sewing teacher training course, which has given me a real confidence boost.

Burnout forced me to stop and stopping provided the space needed for something new to grow. If you're carrying a lot right now, feeling overwhelmed, uprooted, or lost: I see you. Be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to rest and it’s okay to go slow. Rebuild when you’re ready, in a way that feels right for you.

Let’s connect

Thank you so much for reading. I’m excited to share more with you as my little venture unfolds! Coming soon: the story behind the name, Sylva. In the meantime, you can find me over on Instagram and Facebook.

Photo credits: Ana Clark Ribeiro